What To Watch On TV This Week: Oscars, Red Carpets and George Clooney

The 84^th Annual Academy Awards, ABC, Sunday, 8 p.m./7 p.m. CT

Given that two years ago, I watched the Academy Awards while folding my boxer shorts at the local laundromat, I'm perhaps the worst qualified person to weigh in on this year's Oscars. It's been this way for a while now. Once I had kids, my movie going primarily involved films featuring animated talking animals. Then, post-divorce, I saw the inside of a cineplex even less because I didn't have that built-in movie-going partner who has to go to what you like because you've already been dragged to what she wanted to see.

Still, that semi-national holiday known as the Academy Awards returns this Sunday. And, since it's traditionally one of the most-watched shows of the year, it behooves a TV critic to deal with it. With that in mind, here a few things I'll be on the lookout for this year. In-between the rinse and spin cycles…..

Silence. The most talked-about movie of the season is, ironically, one in which nobody talks. The Artist documents the rise and fall of a silent movie star and, to stay true to the subject matter, there's practically no dialogue. I'm not sure what the Vegas odds are on this, but I'm saying it's 2:1 that there will be at least one joke involving mimes or something shot in black and white in the first five minutes.  

Self-Mocking. Up To A Point. Let's say you're a dad trying to cope with your mid-life crisis, so you show up at your daughter's high school graduation in a Lamborghini while wearing an earring and leather pants. This ill-fated attempt at hipness is an embarrassment she'll never entirely forget. It's the same for the Oscars. Last year's efforts to go young and hip by having James Franco and Anne Hathaway host went horribly wrong, so there's really no way to avoid one reference to the debacle. But just one. One is funny. Two becomes uncomfortable. And three….that would make this as painful as last year.

Old Jokes. Not jokes that are old but, rather, jokes about being old. These will no doubt come courtesy of this year's host, Billy Crystal, who is back on the job for the first time since 2004. It's a bit surreal to see him there. After all, Hollywood is a place where they are remaking the Spiderman movie series even though it's only been 10 years since the first one. If Crystal talks about City Slickers or When Harry Met Sally, he might as well be talking about Birth Of A Nation for all that means to a business that has given us three Harold & Kumar movies. Which is precisely why I'm looking forward to watching him. He's representing for us AARP types. I just hope that whatever Wolfgang Puck is serving at the Governor's Ball, it includes plenty of roughage.

People I Have Never Heard Of Before And Will Never Hear Of Again. I realize that most people tune in to the Oscars to see famous people. Not me. I think the most entertaining thing to watch are the choreographers and costumers and editors. I don't know who any of them are, but they seem so much happier to be there than the celeb nominees do. They're so enthusiastic in their acceptance speeches (perhaps due to the fact that they don't have a reputation to keep up so they can loosen up with a few pre-show cocktails) that you never know quite what they'll say. Which makes them infinitely more entertaining.

Movie clips. I don't know about you, but most of my movie watching now comes courtesy of little red envelopes I receive in the mail. Lack of time, money and dates has made movie outings less of an option, so that means more DVD viewing. If it's a major feature – preferably one that involves significant explosions – I'll get to the theater. This year, however, pretty much all the movies were way too small and quiet (and were relatively light on the animated talking animals.) Hence, I've barely seen any of them. That, in turn, means I'll be scouring any and all film clips to see which films go into my queue and which ones I only pretend to have seen when they come up in conversation over dinner with friends.

Red Carpet Pre-Shows.

Somewhere along the line, Oscar Sunday became less about the show itself and more about the parade of well-dressed famous people that begins hours before the first envelope opening. This is open season for celebrity spotting. Watching these pre-shows offers us the chance to mock without guilt, happily criticizing people wearing outfits that cost more than our yearly salary if for no other reason than their outfits cost more than our yearly salary. I know plenty of people who will watch this endless analysis of wardrobe and yet pay little or no attention to the actual awards portion of the evening.  Isn't that kind of like spending three hours watching all the Super Bowl pre-game shows, then opting not to tune into the game because it doesn't really matter who wins? Who would do something like that? Well, other than bitter Patriot fans still trying to cope, such as myself…

The Games.

This isn't shaping up as an Oscar ceremony for the ages, given that most of these movies have been seen by fewer people than watch an episode of Swamp People. The evening seems destined to be filled with plenty of "Who is that up there?" moments, which in turn will set your mind adrift long before the Best Picture prize gets handed out. So, if you want to stay sharp (and awake) to see if you won your office pool, try playing some games to keep your brain sharp.

Like Spot The Guy Who Went To The Help On His Own. Whenever the movie is mentioned, which will be quite often, check the crowd to find the two guys who look like they're paying attention. Or there's the Honor To Be Nominated Challenge, where you watch the red carpet pre-shows and bet with your friends on the number of times you hear the phrase "It's an honor to be nominated." (Just FYI, the over-under is 53.) And then there's the toughest game of all, Spot the Flaw In George Clooney. He's handsome. He's smart. He's funny. He's talented. He's nominated for both acting and writing. There has to be something wrong with him, so keep an eye out. My fingers are so crossed for either toilet paper on the shoe or gum chewing….

For more shows you should be watching, check out:

What To Watch On Valentine's Day

Downton Abbey, Alcatraz

Justified, American Idol, The Finder

People's Choice Awards

Shameless, The Firm, House Of Lies