The Return of Doctor Laura: Was She Ever Gone?

F. Scott Fitzgerald probably spins one full revolution in his grave every time a writer quotes his line about there being "no second acts in American lives." I would guess it is trotted out almost weekly by lazy journalists trying to gussy up a boring piece (like this one?), and is usually invoked to disprove its veracity. That confession out of the way, the phrase came to mind last week when, like a very bad penny, Dr. Laura Schlessinger announced she would be "returning" to Sirius XM satellite radio next year after being publicly vilified for her repeated use of the incendiary N-Word last August.

As Seinfeld's Michael Richards found out several years ago, the internet age is no time to lose your P.C.-cool in public, as every cellphone-toting Tom, Dick and Mary have turned into pocket Spielbergs. But Schlessinger's gaffe was in real-time on the public airwaves while speaking to an African-American woman about her marriage to a white man. Nita Hanson had called for advice about her husband's friends and family members using offensive language and racially stereotypical jokes, and the Dubious Doc started using the forbidden word in question, insisting that "black guys say it on HBO all the time."

Finally, when accused of insensitivity herself for using the word eleven times, Mizz Laura waxed combative and told her caller "Don't NAACP me," and "If you're that hypersensitive about color, and you don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race." Whuh-oh. Even understanding that vitriol and in-your-faceness are the Doc's stock in trade, she had obviously crossed a very big line. And it wasn't the first time — she offended the gay community a decade ago by referring to their "deviancy" and making statements like "when a man cannot make love to a woman, how can that be normal?" 

Yep, the author of Ten Stupid Things That Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives apparently didn't bother to read her own book. One of the tenets of living an unstupid life is that one doesn't say offensive and hurtful things about already oppressed communities just to generate ratings and controversy. More stupidly, the loose-lipped media therapist announced her brief "retirement" by cloaking herself in the First Amendment, as if her ill-considered and antiquarian viewpoints were being unfairly scrutinized by groups like Media Matters and "black activists." Thus, her self-exile to satellite radio where, like Howard Stern, she would be free to offend, shock and verbally lynch anyone she pleases. 

Finally, I find it apt that she announced her retirement on Larry King's CNN show, where she wouldn't be browbeaten by a proper newsman like John Roberts (she got grilled but good by him!). If one wants to go easy on the 63-year-old radio doctor, one could forgive both her and King for being born on the other side of the cultural divide that prioritized tolerance and civil rights for people of every racial and sexual persuasion. As some wit said of Larry King's out-of-touchness: "He's like a senior citizen who wandered into a heavy-metal concert." King versus Schlessinger is like brontosaurus versus allosaurus, two Jurassic-era beasts waiting for a benign meteor to silence their thundering footfalls on the media tundra. May they rest in peace…..