Homecomings: Many Empty Nests No Longer Empty

If your adult child has come back home to roost, you're not alone. A recent article in Advertising Age reports that up to 85 percent of college seniors are planning to move back home after graduation.

High rates of unemployment (a staggering 15 percent among those between the ages of 20-24), an increasingly tight housing rental market, and large debts incurred as a result of student loans are just a few of the economic factors conspiring to postpone financial and residential independence for young adults.

"Not since the Great Depression have we seen so many families returning to their immediate relatives as a lifeline," says psychologist and author Susan Newman, PhD, in her book Under One Roof Again: All Grown up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily (Lyons Press, 2010). Newman points out that under certain circumstances parents are moving in with their adult children, too, as they unexpectedly find out that the 401K retirement funds have shrunk.

While living together after living apart can be challenging, both emotionally and logistically, it does have some upsides. Last year, Luminosity Marketing studied 357 Boomerangers between the ages of 22 and 29, who were single and living at home with their parents. While the intent of the study was to examine consumer trends among this group, the findings are of general interest.

Contrary to the stereotype of these young adults being "slackers," 3 out of 5 were employed full-time. Of those employed, 25 percent of the respondents (referred to as "strugglers" in the study) couldn't afford to live on their own but 35 percent (called the "savers") weren't home because of financial necessity at all. Rather, they had chosen to live with their families to save money. A key distinction between the two groups was that "savers" had a mental timeline for moving out while the "strugglers" didn't. As might be expected, the "strugglers" were also less content with their living arrangements.

Based on self-reports, boomerangers are generally a happy bunch. The researchers attributed their low levels of stress to the financial safety net provided by their parents. A surprising finding was that the boomerangers are more connected with their families socially than are their peers. "This supports the notion that family and living situations represent a source of safety and security to Boomerangers, rather than a source of friction," says the report.

There are also compensations for parents as landlords even if it means giving up the freedom of an empty nest. "It's one of those phenomena you never think will happen: a very grown child returning home — not for a visit, but to live," says Helen Michel, of Atlanta, Georgia. "I lost my parents and husband in the course of a single year, so my son's presence was a huge comfort."

Both Michel and her son thought his stay would be short-lived. "Then the economy did a number on his real estate business, and he couldn't afford to move out," she says. "Even after he found a new job, he continued to stay with me, and I admit, I love having him. We live more like roommates, than mother-son, and he's a huge help with chores and projects, but I still have guilt pangs that maybe if he weren't so comfortable, he'd move on with his life."

"As record numbers of young people are living under the same roof as their parents, the stigma associated with kids returning home has seemingly vanished," says Newman. "Independence is no longer the gold standard," she adds.

Five Cardinal Rules for Living Together Under the Same Roof

(Adapted with permission from Under One Roof Again)

• Be realistic about what to expect from each other.
• Be grateful and make concessions.
• Keep your boundaries strong and respect those of others.
• Retain a "We're in this together" attitude while holding on to your separate life.
• Focus on all the good things you share.