Friendship Lessons about Mean Girls from "The Help"

Women who have recently seen The Help are saying that the mean girls portrayed in the film are strikingly similar to the ones they encounter in their own schools, neighborhoods, and workplaces.

If you haven't yet read the book or seen the movie, The Help tells the story of a young woman (Skeeter, played by Emma Stone) who returns home from college to Jackson, Mississippi in the early 1960s. The plot takes us back to a shameful period in our nation's history when hatred, violence, and racism against African-Americans were rampant in the South and elsewhere. While the story line focuses on the relationship between white families and their maids during the time of Jim Crow, The Help also vividly illustrates the adult mean girl phenomenon, which still is alive and well today.

Skeeter's Junior League friends are well-off, married with children, and served by maids who care for their children, clean their homes, and cater their luncheons. The Queen Bee (Hilly Holbrook, played by Bryce Dallas Howard) seems like a well-mannered, charming do-gooder but is a vicious bigot, and her girl gang turns a blind eye to the way she treats "the help." Her hate also spews over to a new neighbor in town (Celia Foot, played by Jessica Chastain) who dresses provocatively to show off her attractiveness and is marginalized by the group because she is labeled as white trash.

Granted, today's mean women are no longer wearing neatly pressed dresses, with matching cardigans and pearls, but some fifty years later, their behavior and demeanor are the same.

Why are women so mean?

Whether it's in the lunchroom or the boardroom — and regardless of age — there always seem to be women who try to enhance their own low self-esteem and lack of confidence by backstabbing, criticizing, and demeaning other women. Women don't fight with their fists but are masters of what psychologists call "relational aggression," expressing their hostility through covert bullying.

In middle school, adolescents attack the classmate who looks, speaks, dresses, or acts differently. In the workplace, the woman who is targeted may be appear too ambitious, successful, vulnerable, or close to management. Neighbors on the soccer field, the playground, or on PTA committees victimize other stay-at-home moms. Even more sadly, their children may be targeted, too, as they are excluded from play dates, birthday parties, and sports teams. More recently, cyberbullying has added a new layer of complexity to a long festering problem.

Avoiding Mean Girls

One of the best ways to prevent being bullied is to be able to identify adult mean girls amongst your friends and colleagues — before they inflict psychological or emotional damage. Here are several red flags on whom to avoid:

• Women with low-self esteem may try to knock you down to build themselves up. Be careful of braggarts, showoffs, and women who constantly need to prove themselves.
• Women who are highly judgmental about others are more likely to one day be just as highly critical of you.
• Women who are social climbers and try to get by on appearances alone — and by whom they know rather than what they know — are likely to leave you in the lurch when they find someone with more status than you.
• Women who are divisive and exclusionary may one day extrude you from the protective shelter of their hive.

When you encounter adult bullies, individually or as a group, although it feels very personal, bear in mind that the problem is with them — not you. Avoidance is usually the best strategy. If it is a distant friend, take a break or cut off the relationship. If it is a group of women, try to affiliate with others. If it is a volunteer committee, step back and find other places to contribute your time and talents. Remember that you deserve better "friends" than these and do what you can to extricate yourself from a toxic situation.

In The Help, Skeeter takes a stand not only to end the bullying of African American maids, but to shine a light on the institutional racism of the South. And in the end, the targets of the bullies prevail, sharing their love and hearty laughs with each other — vibrant moments that bring their souls and spirits to life. Skeeter eventually leaves for a new life in New York, realizing that despite the long history she has had with her friends and their families, she has different values and aspirations.